Future Radio-Second Attempt at Recording...

For those of you that are even remotely interested, I present to you my...

2nd attempt of recording for Future Radio...

You will need to download it and it should open in your itunes.

If you can't open it, then I can't help you and you obviously don't know how to use a computer.

Good day to you.

"It was like licking a mini milk bro"

Valentines Day is creeping up on us people, what have YOU got planned?

Everyone forgets the fact it's Pancake Day tomorrow, Valentines Day ruins Pancake Day!
You get to eat a shed load of carbohydrates, topped with honey, sugar and lemon and not feel guilty about it, absolutely fantastic!

 Is it me or do those pancakes look more like poppadoms?

I have never successfully flipped a pancake, it's on my bucket list though.
Here is how you flip dat pancake bro, this gurrlll gotttt mad skilllzzz

After much deliberation, it looks like I could well be going to this speed dating extravaganza at The Birdcage on Valentines Day, a certain friend of mine is going and she is adamant that it's going to be fun, which it will be, but she has a boyfriend... so I don't know if this is her way of breaking up with him or what, time will tell!

If this happens on the night, then I bloody hope that is Christian Bale under that mask and not a relative.

 Just to let you guys know, the new face of The Birdcage is looking banging- check out the Vintage Norwich Facebook page for photos: Vintage Norwich Facebook - go and 'like' this page, don't tell me I don't give ya nothin' for free yo.

As I am on the subject of The Birdcage, I would like to announce that on Friday 15th February, something pretty spectacular is commencing, oh yes.

A little something called The Naked Wizard Exposition (part quatre): MENS NIGHT!
Find out more on the Facebook event: The Naked Wizard Exposition - I have been to the ladies night exposition and it was amazing!
One of the hosts is a bit of a quirky, hypnotic snake charmer, dare devil (Benjamin Wong) but that is why the general public love him so.
Doors open at 7.30pm and it's £3 on the door... Don't be such a...
What she said.

I would also like to voice my wise (haha) advice to you all and that mixing drinks on a night out is not recommended, whatsoever.

Here is why:

You end up licking your friends face like a mini milk, that's why. If this isn't a picture for the 'Do's & Dont's' section of +VICE , then I don't know what is.
This kind of evidence should be locked away in a water tight, iron cladded box and never to be shown to anyone...ever.
I thought I would share this with you though, as this is why I should not be allowed out of the house.
I make these mistakes so you don't have to, you can thank me later.
( I'm sorry to any relatives or anyone squeamish who has just seen this)

So as you can see from exhibit A above, my weekend was eventful( just to clarify, no, I didn't end up in this mans bed).
I ended up passed out on the sofa until I awoke and insisted on a friend to spoon me for the remainder of the evening. Clever thinking.

" Why don't you start writing reviews on nightclubs, seeing as you are in them, ALL THE TIME!!! "

Don't you just love it when you come home from a hard day of watching Arrow in the comfort of someone else's house? Life is so hard.

I spent most of yesterday watching this epic TV show ( if you like superheros, watch it, you will wet yourself with excitement)

Here is a trailer....

Isn't it bloody fabulous?  Don't you now just want to illegally download the whole first season? Well don't, because that is highly frowned upon!

I want to have a Green Arrow themed party now. I would obviously dress up as the Black Canary as she is super foxy

They are so badass( and look slightly Swedish)

I don't think I could get away with wearing what she does. I would look like a piece of pork with string wrapped around it, or, for the more visual learners out there....this:

It is not the first time someone has told me I look like this little happy chappy before. I have also been told I look like the following:

The Moomins ( or Les Moomins if you're French)
Kelly Osbourne

A plate

The Moon

So there we have it, a run down on what I look like apparently.
 I can't help the fact my head is so spherical. You haven't seen me when I'm with my parents, it's an absolute scream..."ROUND FACE TEAM... ASSEMBLE!!!!"

Since my last entry I've had another practice run at Future Radio, It was much better than last time, although +Mick Waring  told me that I have now replaced "umm" with "kind of", Progress I guess?
I don't know whether it was because I had male presence, but I was sweating profusely from my palms, to the point where I had to take some garments off. Just to clarify, taking off items of clothing wasn't my feeble attempt of trying to seduce Mick, as much as he is a fine specimen of a man... he has a broken penis and after the very graphic photo he showed me of his wounded penis, I don't want to be in or around any penises or at least not one that looks like a beaten up aubergine.

As it was a practice run I had to pretend it was live, so I had to compose fake twitter and text messages from the "listeners", it felt ridiculous, especially as the tweets Mick wanted me to say were to be said in a Norfolk accent. For those of you who don't know what a Norfolk accent sounds like... here's a little treat for you... (this is more of a Suffolk accent but you get the gist)

I try and use "When the wind wozza a GUSTUNNN!" as much as I can in everyday conversations.

So, the recording went well, apart from calling Mick, Mike, forgetting what a CD changer was called in a car( apparently it's a called a carousel, I panicked and thought it was called a casserole), saying "kind of" too often and playing one of the worst adverts I have ever heard in my life! If I can get hold of my recording I will upload it and you can make your own judgement on quite possibly, THE worst advert of all time.

Fingers crossed, I can do an interview with Kings & Crows before their EP launch on the 30th March on Future Radio and if I do, you will have to take a listen, you won't be able to resist my luscious voice and my mad radio skills. (http://futureradio.co.uk/)

Now you're probably wondering what the title of this entry is all about? Well, I went to lunch today with 2 friends and I was disgustingly hungover. I could smell the alcohol seeping out of my pores and I was wearing someone else's clothes, clearly a good night out.
I then got asked to show the back of my hands, which, yet again were branded with the same old black stamps from the same old clubs, so much for keeping a low profile.

" You always end up in Kartel Courteney, you can't resist it! Why don't you just write reviews on nightclubs, seeing as you are in them all the time!" - The sarcastic and  somewhat dick-ish comment made by my friend.

" Alright Dad." - a concise yet childish response ( it worked like a charm)

As I was eating my lunch, I kept having flashbacks from the night before, some I'd rather forget to be quite honest with you.
I think waking up in a bedroom I didn't recognise is probably quite high on the list of things I'd rather diminish.
I woke up this morning thinking, " where the fuck am I?" now I knew I went home with my friend Cat, but it wasn't her bedroom. This confused me for a few moments until it dawned on me that I was in her 18 year old brother's bed, alone( he clearly took off  in sheer fear of having someone 6 years older than him in his bed and quite rightly so).

I took a quick look under the covers to see what state I was in and to my disgust I found myself in just my knickers and a top that made me look like a Campino.
(exhibit A)

 Cat claims that I probably made his year, either that, or I have scared the poor boy off women for a very long time. Apparently he forgot I was in his bed and when he woke up I scared the shit out of him, this was not my intention but to be fair, if I had a young man in my bed that I forgot about, I too would probably have a mini freak out.
 He told me that I was snoring which is extremely embarrassing, especially as he called it "cute", but I then realised from doing a scan of his room, he was an Arsenal supporter and the embarrassment soon disappeared. The Gunners are RUBBISH( totes LADbanter)

I did however bag myself a lift to Bestival out of last night, so...good.

I had no intentions of going out last night whatsoever, I was quite content staying home, having a few beers and putting myself into a social networking coma, but no, I was dragged to the pub to find myself doing tequila shots and reading The Sun newspaper.
Next thing I know, I am in a taxi heading for town to meet two old flatmates who were more than half cut and dancing to some terrible 90s music. The rest of the evening, needless to say, is history.

It's that time of the week again folks...Job Centre Party


I am lacking in self motivation at the moment. I am sitting in the Bicycle Shop (http://thebicycleshopcafe.com/), drinking tea, eating eggs benedict and procrastinating. I thought by getting out of the house I was being pro-active and finding myself a job. Obviously not, who am I kidding, seriously?

( Doesn't it look lush? Don't you just want to chow down on that little number and then feel a little bit sick afterwards as you ate it too fast? No? Just me then...)

It's starting to get to the point now that I'm on the verge of a mental break down and the idea of taking off all of my clothes and running through the streets of Norwich is a good concept. I want to feel liberated and free, but my idea of liberating myself is taking my bra off at night before bed-time.

For those who don't wear bras, it's bloody awesome. It's like your breasts are in some kind of vice all day long and then as soon as you whip that bad boy off, you feel this tension evaporate and a relieving smile appears on your face( try to avoid doing this with someone in the room, you will look like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland)

I think men should at least try  to wear a bra for a day, just to see what it feels like, maybe get a bit chubby, get some moobs going on and then you'll feel the real effect of a brassiere.

As I was saying, if you do see some mental bird roaming the streets of Norwich with barely anything on, that's me( unless you are down Prince of Wales road on a Friday night, then that is just the normal clientele) come say hi, or not, it's up to you.

I started to feel the unemployment itch underneath my skin this morning, as if I had those scarab beetles from The Mummy crawling around, apart from the fact I'm not clawing at my skin, I'm not living in the 1920s and I'm not a warden in a chamber full of mummies.

Isn't this the guy from the MoneySupermarket advert? Was he also in Eastenders?? Answers on a postcard people.

 I decided to go to the job centre today, but it was to explain why I didn't turn up to my appointment last week and not see the lovely Dawn ( I'm still awaiting to meet her).
I have this image of her being this beautiful young lady with long brown hair and a twinkle in her eye, but she probably isn't anything like that and hates everyone that approaches her. I don't know why I assume the job centre is like some kind of civil war, employees vs. the unemployed.

In saying that, apparently 5 minutes before I came in, some woman was kicking off that she wasn't get her money and started fighting the security guards, I would of loved to have seen that.

Anyway, I got there, it was fine, I explained I was sick (I wasn't) and had to fill out this grey form... I'm sorry but it's bad enough as it is that people have to go in there and ask for money from the government but to then have to fill out forms on GREY paper, are they trying to see an increase in suicides or something?
For some people life is pretty bleak on benefits, but then to inundate you with a Dulux grey colour board for an application form, you're going to start having dark thoughts.

I was escorted to the middle section of the room, I'm not sure why this changes every time I go in there, but there is obviously some logic to it. I don't know why I did what I did next, but it got to the point where it was too awkward to move seats, but I had decided to sit on what could only be described as a food fight massacre. My arse was sitting on some kind of crisp orgy and my shoes were enjoying a pastry party. Shit.

I looked like a knob, not only because I made a seriously bad move but there were at least 3 other sofas I could of chosen from, thus, looking like the one who created the mess and that I have some problem keeping food in my mouth.

After this awkward moment, I found out I would still be getting my money( hooray!) but I am still jobless. The search continues...

I am going to Future Radio again today, this time I will make it my mission not to say "umm". I sounded like a twat last time, luckily it wasn't aired so it was for my own personal embarrassment.
If anything, it's character building, something my friend introduced me to when he was trying to build me into a strong metropolitan woman.

I have +Mick Waring  ( Drummer from Kings and Crows) coming in with me, I'm dragging him along to help me build some content into my recording, but also someone to bully and laugh at, as this is something I'm excellent at. I have been told by Terry the manager that I have to treat him as a guest and not a co-presenter, this is going to be a disaster.

So far my topics for todays recording are:
- The price of festival tickets/who's playing them/what are people's thoughts on the process of applying for Glastonbury tickets
- My top 5 favourite albums at the moment, and thanks for asking, are( in no particular order):
- +The Black Keys - El Camino
- The Bombay Bicycle Club- A Different Kind of Fix
- Haim- Forever ( EP)
- +Local Natives - Gorilla Manor
- +The Vaccines - Come of Age

- Gabby young & Other Animals playing The Bicycle Shop

...And anything else I can think of off the top of my head.

 Mick told me he was going to think of some ideas which he clearly hasn't done.
He has been doing his ruddy dissertation all day( congratulations Mick on your zero procrastination skills) and probably nursing his wounded penis ( he was recently circumcised, and before you ask, he hasn't turned to Judaism, he was just a broken man) which in turn means that he hasn't done what he said he would do for me. They don't call him 'Prick Waring' for nothing.

It's my own fault, I should be more organised and focussed but my head is in the clouds at the moment and I don't really know what the eff is going on. I am used to working 9-5 in front of a computer screen, not 11am until an unknown hour of the morning applying for jobs, blogging and still complaining about my snotty nose.

I made a very stupid yet incredible mistake of purchasing a Primavera Festival ticket the other day. Now considering I have no job, no money and no future prospects of getting a job ( I wasn't lying when I said those grey application forms give you a bleak outlook on life) I really shouldn't of bought the ticket, it was an impulse buy and a bit of a " fuck you, life!" attitude which has now landed me in a position of being a ticket holder.
Don't get me wrong, the line up is amazing and I am TOTES excited to go but I have this tiny little person in my body who has crawled into my guilty conscience and keeps whispering
 " mate, you shouldn't of bought that Primavera ticket, you're a bit of a knob aren't you?"
This little person is quite right, I am a bit of a knob to buy something I can't afford and what makes this scenario even better is that I can't find my passport, anywhere.

I have searched high and flippin' low for it and can I find it, can I heck! I have dozens of birthday cards and other bits and bobs I brought to my new house, but not my passport. Maybe I sold it for money when I was drunk to some illegal immigrant? I have had enough evenings where I don't know what happened the night before, so it's plausible.

Never-the-less this is the line up, and for the people who like the same music as me, I think buying a ticket is justifiable right?

PLUS, I save on accommodation as one of my best friends lives in Barcelona, winner winner chicken flippin' dinner. I just need:
a) A passport
b) money for the flights
c) spending money

what I currently have/not have:
a) A passport
b) money
c) a job to earn money
d) (lack of) brain cells

+WU TANG CLAN  are playing for God sake!!!!! I can't NOT go...I'm going, I don't care what you say!
Listen to Cream by Wu-Tang Clan ( VIDEO BELOW)  and then YOU will want to buy a ticket and get into debt.

So for anyone out there who has never heard of Primavera, get involved! Tickets are still available- Primavera Sound Tickets ( you can translate the website into English, unless you know Spanish then good for you!)

You can also justify this purchase by making it a summer holiday as well as a festival, therefore you won't need to head off to Kavos this summer after all!

" What do you mean it doesn't sell bicycles?"

I ended up part-taking in some sophisticated socialising this weekend. It involved Vodka ( so much for my no drinking policy) and my favourite new haunt, The Bicycle Shop. The Bicycle Shop could be my next local, well, it's hardly local, it's about 20 minutes from my house but still, it's in walking distance so it counts.

The Bicycle Shop is definitely an acquired taste, with it's mechanical birds and copious amounts of bicycle attire floating from the ceiling, it's definitely a place for the open minded and the artistic folk( I don't like to pigeon hole too much) Never-the-less, the staff welcome everyone with open arms and are extremely lovely.
It is table service which makes it that much better. A lot of pubs/bars around Norwich don't provide this service and although you know you are more than capable of carrying a Bitburger (or two), it's that satisfying feeling that you can just sit on an over-sized cushion and listen to the sounds of Alt-J and Iron and Wine and not have to move.

One of the reasons I enjoy the Bicycle Shop so much is because it reminds me of my parents house, just full of random odds and ends, weathered furniture and people drinking. I'm not saying my parents are raving alcoholics but my mum does like a good gin and tonic.

As well as serving some of the finest drinks in town, they also do food. I have tried and tested the Eggs Benedict and I think my heart stopped for a few seconds, not because of saturated fats, oh no, it was from the food party that was happening in my mouth. It was one of the best experiences of Eggs Benedict I have had in a long time. The eggs were perfect and the local ham was just right, writing about it makes me want to eat it now, in fact, I think I may pop down there later!

The Bicycle Shop also puts on heaps of music events downstairs in their "handlebar" I, personally prefer this bar  much more than the ground floor,  as it exudes a mysterious candlelit vibe perfect for an evening drink. (That is if you like that kind of thing)

One lady in particular is making an appearance on the 12th February- Gabby Young & Other Animals
Gabby Young & Other Animals Website
From a young age she was aiming to become an opera singer but got caught up in jazz and Jeff Buckley which made her influences change slightly.
The eight man band based in London are an infusion of jazz, folk, brass and a bit of swing thrown in for good measure.

'In Your Head' is a perfect example of what this band has to offer you and your beautiful little ears.

Gabby Young & Other Animals have their second album out, ' The Band Called Out For More'- which you can buy from their website or on Itunes.

If you are still unsure, why not come down to the Bicycle Shop and see these merry musical masterpieces for yourself for the absolute steal of £10 on the door, £8 in advance or for those lovely cheeky people who can get concession prices, £9.

If you have never ventured down to St Benedict's Street then you are missing out on a very substantial amount of niche bars. If you want to avoid rowdy 30 year old somethings dressed in white shirts, wearing medallions and rocking out to Bon Jovi then I suggest you change your route into town and head down here.

" Valentines Day is just for Clinton Cards to make loads of dollar"

When I was a kid, Valentines Day was quite an important day at school. There seemed to be a competition, or what felt like competition, to see who could get the most cards and how many boys liked you, I probably got a couple of makeshift cards or an overly cheesy 'Forever Friends' card with that stupid bear on the front, I hate that bear.

Look at him, kicking his legs in the air without a care in the world. I'm pretty sure the last time I checked, bears couldn't read, use a mobile phone or have a sweet tooth. May I just add, did Forever Friends discover Face Time before Apple because from what I can see, there's a bears face on that mobile phone screen.

Now being 24, If I even get a Valentines Day text from my mum I'm lucky and she can only just about understand the concept of texting. It doesn't seem that important or relevant anymore, well for me anyway.
I've never been a huge fan of this consumerist day, I find it somewhat pointless. If you are in a relationship with someone you should appreciate them on a regular basis, not just one day a flippin' year!

As I am a single lady, you may think i'm just being terribly bitter, but I'm not, I do think for the single compadres out there, there should be things to do that don't involve Valentines Day bollocks.

It just so happens that there is, how wonderful. I myself should be making my way down to The Waterfront to see The Bronx. If you like LA hardcore punk music and have never heard of these guys before then I don't really know what you've been doing, you have missed a lot since 2002, that's all I'm saying!
                                                   The Bronx- False Alarm

If you enjoy Refused and Crime in Stereo then these lads will certainly tickle you under your chinny chin chin. Enjoy a snakebite and feel 15 years old again, that's what I'm planning on doing at least! Tickets are still available and you can purchase them here - UEA TICKET OFFICE WEBSITE - tickets are £15 and doors open at 7.30pm.

Now if you feel like you would be missing out on Valentines Day by not being included in something fluffy and cute then I don't have anything for you, but what I do have for you though is SPEED DATING. What better way to feel even more alone than by talking to a bunch of strangers for a minute at a time.

The Birdcage in Norwich is putting on a speed dating evening on 14th Feb - see the Facebook Event - Birdcage Speed Dating Event - You can buy tickets in advance at £1.50 or £2 on the door. Registration is at 8pm.

If I wasn't going to see The Bronx I would definitely be going to this, I'd just make up a different persona of myself each time just for shits and gigs either that or I would unfortunately know 80% of the speed dating community so I wouldn't be able to lie through my teeth.
 Norwich is that small and ever so slightly inbred that you would end up speed dating your cousin. Keep it in the family and all that.

Jokes aside, it's going to be a good night and you may just find a fit piece of ass to buy you drinks all night!

For the people out there who actually want to celebrate Valentines Day the conventional way, conventional being having a partner, there are heaps of things going on around Norwich if you haven't planned anything yet. Check out Outline Magazine for detailed listings - Outline Listings

If there are any theatre lovers out there, I'd recommend going to see Woman In Black at the +Theatre Royal Norwich  as it's one of the best plays out at the moment.

For tickets, check their website- Woman In Black Tickets - There is limited availability to get on it quick!

A lot of girls/women I know whether they like to admit it or not, like having someone else do their make up for them and not accidentally shoving your mascara brush into your eyeball or dropping blusher all down your nice new dress.

Which is why Moonstone Beauty is a good port of call, Ginta Lesinska is a mobile make-up artist, who has a diploma in Image and Fashion Styling. She caters for proms, weddings, photo shoots or if you are just going on a night out, Ginta can make you from a 9-5 toad into a late night dream boat!

Ginta is currently offering 15% off a full cleanse and full make up application, this offer finishes on the 15/02/13 so if you are going out for Valentines Day or you've got a birthday coming up, I highly recommend Moonstone Beauty.

Moonstone Beauty's current services are:

- Make-up Application for special occasions- from £15
- Eyebrow Shaping- from £10
- Make-up learning session for one/or groups- from £17
- HD eyebrows- £20

Ginta is a very welcoming and lovely lady and her services are well worth the money! Good prices too!

If you would like more information, click on her website- Moonstone Beauty Website and she will be more than happy to accomodate your girly needs! Enjoy!