Lara Croft Is My New Best Friend


This year I got some pretty fabulous christmas presents, of course there was the generic socks, slippers and Avon smellies, but what I wanted this entry to be about was the Tomb Raider game I got for christmas.
Over the years I have been pretty on and off with my xbox, sometimes I want to play the living shit out of it but then sometimes the poor ugly thing will be collecting dust for months because I got so angry from not being able to defeat some kind of cretin on Oblivion.

When I was 12, my dad took me to Norwich and bought me my first ever Playstation, bearing in mind it was second hand, it was in really good knick and I was overjoyed by this purchase and so I decided that I was going to buy Broken Sword, Porsche Challenge (I had a serious obsession with cars as a child) and Tomb Raider. Obviously, I was clearly 3 years too young to actually play the Tomb Raider game but my dad obviously felt that I was brave enough to fight wolves, destroy men with questionable accents and crappy weaponry and have no guilty conscience whatsoever to put the butler in the freezer when he was annoying me.


Everyone must have done this at least once?

As a child, playing this game scared the living crap out of me, I'm not going to lie, I was and still am a bit of a wuss when it comes to playing computer games, for example, I lasted about 5 minutes when playing Alan Wake, walking around with just a torch and no street lights? I don't think so mate.

For those of you who don't know who or what Alan Wake is, just check this out:


After watching this short clip, it looks like such a good game and something I would love to play, as I am fond of playing mystery/detective type games but having to use your torch as a weapon to fight off what I can only assume to be dead ghost type characters? Nah, you're alright.
 I struggle with the intensity of it, why does it have to be set in such darkness? I know real  gamers probably love all of that but this is one of the reasons why I don't play many games anymore, there just isn't a market for detective/murder mystery gaming unless it's contains gore, darkness and a nappy to shit myself in. 
Give me LA Noire any day, that game was absolute gold.

Enough about me shitting myself though, I wanted to touch on the new Tomb Raider game on the xbox 360. So far it's been a really good action adventure, I was a little bit sceptical about it because, as lame as it sounds, I noticed it was an 18 rating and started to panic. It has proved me wrong though, it is not as gruesome as I first thought. I think that the concept of Lara being an innocent Archeologist is brilliant, as throughout the game she learns new survival skills, as opposed to the older games where she was already equipped with such experienced survival and killing tactics, this recent Tomb Raider makes it more your own and you learn with her. 

 As sadistic as this may sound to you all, I like the fact that she feels pain, it's quite a nice touch to the game, she isn't some kind of invincible character,  it's more realistic,which in some games you do feel that the character is immortal and you wonder if the whole game is just one big glitch.

I've never been a shoot em' up kind of game player but this is why I like this game, it's a little bit different, you have different weapons (my favourite being the cross bow with the flame arrows) and as you progress through the game you slowly upgrade your weapons through finding salvage around the island, making them better, faster and easier to kill those god damn bastards! 

The side missions are also pretty fun, it gives you a break from having to kill the enemy for a bit and sets you some interesting challenges. I've discovered that you can still kill her in such brutal ways, just like the original game. 

 
                 Lara and her 25 ways of dying

Along the way you find ancient artefacts and diary logs of previous visitors of the island which in turn gives you brownie points, always a bonus. Although I am on the 'easy' difficulty setting, it is still quite frustrating and hard to fight off enemies, especially when you have used every single weapon you have on you to kill one measly villain and he still won't drop dead, but hey I'm still a bit of a button basher.

In a nutshell your mission is to find all of your fellow colleagues, save them from the baddies, find some meaningful artefacts along the way and get out alive. 

Once I have completed the game I will update you with my final thoughts...







Blogging from the farmyard




 All this blogging malarkey is very much a cosmopolitan thing to do, but seeing as I have moved out into the bleak wilderness of Swaffham, there isn’t much else to do, apart from complain about the amount of mud you bring into your own house and the fact that your local council doesn't recycle glass?! What kind of world am I living in?!

For those of you who have no idea where Swaffham is, it’s a tiny market town in Norfolk, populated by farmers, the rich, the cast of The Hills Have Eyes and me.
                                            ( My new neighbour, Bill., nice chap)
                                                ( An illustrated map of Swaffham)
If this map doesn't move you quite enough then please, feel free to check out this website someone has put together for people to read and appreciate what really is a true wonder, Swaffham: The Best Website You Will Ever Read ( also check out the film section, Stephen Fry is in it)

When I moved here, I was looking forward to the Saturday Market, I really wanted to get into the feel of living in a rural town but it was a major disappointment, it was like dipping a biscuit into your tea but to then find that said biscuit has fallen into the tea and you shed a tear.

Although the market is 'historical' yadda yadda yadda, it just consists of butchers, people selling used colouring books, jars of children's tears and badly made hoodies, but don’t forget the classic rug seller, offering a wide range of distasteful rugs with any animal you could think of printed on them. I was hoping to find some eccentric and 'shabby chic' furniture to add to my collection of other try hard hipster furniture but alas, no luck.

I’m still waiting to have a night out in Swaffham, I’ve been told that there’s around 5 or 6 pubs in Swaffham of which 5 of them are just god awful, I can’t wait.
I have been told however that if I want to “get on it” then I need to head down to the White Hart as my first pit stop because the shots are cheap and the more I drink the less likely I will take notice of how depressing this town really is.

Now, from being such a hot shot in the bustling city of Norwich (ha ha) I thought I would be relatively anonymous by living out in the sticks, but no, oh no, there’s always one that slips through the net. Now you may find this funny, but to be quite honest, I was more embarrassed by this strange little story I’m about to tell you.
My boyfriend was in desperate need of getting his eyes checked due to damn right laziness and so made an appointment at the local opticians. I, at this time was still in bed from the night before where I was struggling to get drunk at my Christmas work party and I don’t know about you, but I can tell when my drinks are being watered down, you cheap stingy bastards.

 Anyway, my boyfriend returned home to tell me that he met one of my friends in the opticians. Now I found this peculiar because I have zero friends in these here parts, my friend circle doesn’t venture out into West Norfolk; everyone with half a brain moves AWAY from these inbred towns and into a city where the post offices don't close at 1pm and you're not stuck behind a fucking horse and carriage.
I racked my brain for ages and ages and just couldn’t think who on earth he was talking about until he mentioned the name Ben. My instant reaction was “ oh god, I hope it’s not someone I have slept with” which, lets be honest, it could be a possibility, I was a bit of a scamp as a young teen! But no, it was SO much worse than that, it dawned on me that the opticians was a local family business and that’s when it clicked into place, I did know an optician, I DID KNOW SOMEONE FROM SWAFFHAM!

The alcohol from the night before started to churn in my stomach, the hot flushes began to flood over my face and so I decided to confess.
“ Mick, the guy you met today, he isn’t a friend, not even close, he’s a bloke I met on Plenty of Fish when we broke up.” 
He wasn't a fucking friend, a FRIEND? Are you fucking serious? What the...? We barely spoke, never even met but he decided to chat up my boyfriend in the opticians, absolutely mental. 

In fact this is how the conversation went:
Ben: " Can I have your name please?"
Mick: " Yeah sure, Mick Waring"
Ben:"... I recognise your name, do you know Courteney Fullerton?"
Mick:"...Urhh yeah, she's my girlfriend"
Ben: " Oh right, yeah I'm friends with her on Facebook"
Mick: "...Oh right, cool. BYE"

WHAT THE HELL. 
NOT A REAL FRIEND. 
NO.

Well, Mick found this hilarious, fits of laughter, slightly creeped out mind but overall he gave it a good 8 out of 10, in fact he said it was “ classic Courteney”.

 Mick and Ben now want to go on a date themselves in Swaffham, White Hart to start off with lads?
I thought it was only girls who did this? You know, making friends with the enemy because they both realise the guy they were both with was a complete prick? No? Do men now do this? Is this a new thing?

I'm turning to Lesbianism!